I'm a Systems Thinker

Why is it so important for some people to label themselves? I went to this financial seminar at work yesterday and I was excited to learn some specific financial strategies, like how to make a good budget, best practices with saving money, or how to invest, but it was all just abstract, like how money is a social construct and it only has value because we believe it has value, and so on. I just wanted to learn something that was actually useful.

Anyway, there was this lady who kept raising her hand and talking. I don’t even remember the context in which she made this comment, because it was all so random. The first comment she made was, “I’m a systems thinker, ok…” and she kept using that term, “systems thinker.” She continued, “Being a systems thinker, I approached this problem differently than my brother, who is an attorney who makes three times more than me.” And she said that she is a “strategic planner.”

Then a little while later, the speaker was making some comments on the housing crisis and her opinion that our homes losing value isn’t really as big of a deal as we think, and the same woman raised her hand and said, “Ok, I’m a land use planner, and as a land use planner, I just have to challenge you on this point because location has a lot to do with this, and land use planners will tell you that….”

And then, we were discussing this question, why are we more likely to save $20 by mowing our own lawn than to earn $20 by mowing a neighbor’s lawn? And the same woman raised her hand and said that mowing lawn is for 14-year-old boys, and why would she, as a 40-year-old, be mowing a neighbor’s lawn…she’d be infringing on the 14-year-old’s market…and the speaker replied that this woman was trying to sound altruistic but really she just demonstrated that this isn’t just about money it’s also about prestige and the perception of who should be doing what kind of work… and that shut this woman up for a few moments, until she took the microphone back to let everyone know that although she doesn’t mow lawn, she does tap trees for maple syrup.

So, in a nutshell: Yeah, I'm land use planner, and a systems thinker, and a strategic planner, and I wouldn't be caught dead mowing the lawn because it's so beneath me, but in case that sounded snotty, just so you know, I tap trees.

As someone who goes to great lengths to avoid saying anything in front of large groups of people, or being the center of attention in any way, I can’t understand the compulsion some people have to put themselves into categories and let everyone else know what those categories are. Situations like these remind me why I often say nothing: I don’t want to risk sounding as narcissistic as others often do. It’s a balance…sometimes we should take more risks and show the world our inner light, and sometimes we just need to be quiet or think more before we speak. Or maybe now I’m the one who is labeling?

Papasans, Food Aversions, & Other Favorite Things

I got this papasan chair--intended for my office/writing space that I've been working on (pictures coming soon), and look what happened...it was stolen from me almost immediately and never made its way out of the living room...

But really, who can blame them??? It's the sunniest spot in the house. Put a fleece blanket in this papazan and they won't get up for at least sixteen hours....it's heaven for my cats.

My weird food aversions continue but they are getting better, I think... 

Although I am generally not eating meat, I did manage to make these crockpot chicken fajitas and I even ate one or two of them.

I used a combination of my friend H's technique and the crockpot chicken fajita recipe at A Year of Slow Cooking. I used chicken instead of beef, and I sauteed the peppers in a pan right before we were ready to eat, rather than adding the peppers to the crockpot. (I like my veggies more on the crunchy side, and I planned on leaving the crock pot on all day while we were at work.)

Fruit & Nut Plate

The result was great--tender, juicy chicken that shreds easily with a fork, and healthy, too.

Other than some Papa Murphy's pizza (mushrooms and tomatoes only) and Kraft Macaroni and Cheese (only the Ultimate Cheese Explosion), I'm not eating meals...scones and fruit it is! This is funny since normally I will eat anything except coconut and olives. Some days it's difficult to come up with anything I want to eat besides scones, fruit, cheese, or nuts.

Chocolate Chip Scone

Mixed Berry Scone

In other news, I had a fun shopping trip with my friend C involving some of our favorite things: Trader Joe's, Half Price Books, Chipotle, and the DSW Shoe Warehouse.

I purchased one of my last pair of Borns about ten years ago when I lived in Madison, and I just had the cracked sole glued for $5 at a local shoe repair shop (this was the best they could do...it would be cheaper to just buy a new pair of shoes, they told me). Thus, I felt I was entitled to a new pair of PURPLE Borns. Off the clearance rack. And, since they were on clearance, I got two other pairs besides these.

Having said all this, I feel that this post is relatively superficial, showcasing the enjoyment I got out of acquiring things... But sometimes you just have to go out and have a little fun. I haven't been feeling well, and I am trying to figure out--I guess--who I am even when I can't do the things I most enjoy...eating and cooking and writing. But my energy level is increasing and my nausea is decreasing. One day at a time, right?

Perspective

Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body. ~Elizabeth Stone


I saw this quote on Facebook this morning and I really like it. This is basically what I was trying to say in my last post, The Ambivalent Parent.

However, sometimes it’s hard to stay positive when you’re retching into your kitchen sink.

I have been eating mostly fruit and toast and eggs for the past four months, it seems. I started feeling better lately so I got a little bit adventurous last night and had some Chinese food. I didn’t feel very well after that…as soon as I woke up this morning I was pretty sure I was going to puke. I ate some toast and a smoothie and felt better for a little while when suddenly I was overcome by nausea and I spewed my smoothie and toast, in a thick purple sludge format, all over my kitchen sink. Eew. It was so intense I had a headache for an hour afterwards, as if I’d strained something. Guess I better go back to my nothingness diet of blandness.

And then there’s the mucous thing. At first I thought it was a cold, but it persisted, without ever really getting worse or better. It’s the worst in the morning when I first wake up. My ears are clogged with fluid. I sneeze and blow my nose constantly. As soon as I get out of bed, the mucous starts running down the back of my throat, triggering my gag reflex, and increasing my nausea.

Smells overwhelm me. In a recent post, I described how thoroughly I cleaned my refrigerator. Last weekend, I was haunted by a nasty, rotten smell emanating from the fridge. The smell tainted everything, even the water from the Brita pitcher tasted like this putrid smell. My husband couldn’t smell it. Remove all the leftovers from the refrigerator, I asked him. He did. Still the smell persisted. A few days later, I noticed a moldy orange in the crisper. I’m pretty sure I could smell that mold long before it was visible.

Today I could smell a strong, musky cologne on a man getting into his car at least twenty feet away from me. Sometimes I walk by offices and I can smell women’s perfume out in the hallway.

Ok, don’t get me wrong…I’m not complaining. I am capturing this experience as honestly as I can. Even the things people don’t talk about. I have a new respect for women. It’s difficult to function when you’re sick for months. It’s hard to go to work and do everything you need to do when you spent the morning puking, you’re constantly hungry and nauseated, and you didn’t sleep well. I am amazed that women want to get pregnant, multiple times over, knowing they’re going to be sick and tired and challenged in so many ways. The outcome must really be worth it!

I have an even deeper respect for women who struggle with infertility. I have written an article (yet unpublished) about a woman who had five miscarriages and a son who died when he was twenty six days old. She eventually had twin boys via a surrogate. Women who are going through infertility treatments like in vitro fertilization endure tremendous emotional and physical pain, including the loss of their children and painful physical challenges such as injecting themselves twice daily with progesterone via a gargantuan needle.

I needed this reminder today: stepping outside yourself often helps put your own challenges in perspective.

The Ambivalent Parent

I was never sure about having children. I always imagined getting to a point when I would “know,” as they say. But we never arrived at that perfect moment. I always thought, we need to make more money, we need a bigger house, we need established careers, the list goes on. All these things that needed to be neatly in place never quite were. I’ve also enjoyed our freedom…traveling, eating out, doing what we want to do when we want to do it. At the same time, our window of opportunity has been shrinking exponentially…

I feel like most people don’t give much thought to becoming a parent —they just have children and work out the details later. I always resented this. How can you have children if you can’t afford to take care of them? If you don’t have time to give them the attention they need? In our society, becoming a parent is a given, it’s expected even. I resent this attitude, and the strange looks I have received when answering no to that dreaded question, “Do you have children?” Once, while getting my hair cut, a couple of women took this even further and asked me what I did with all my free time. Did I manage to keep myself busy, even without children? I resent the attitude that not having children somehow means you can’t or don’t have a busy, productive, meaningful life.

Every day I’m confronted by reasons not to have children. For example, we live in a world where a female Ivy league graduate student could be murdered inside the “safety” of her own research lab (and in a cruel twist of fate, just days before her wedding). This story stuck with me. When this happened, I thought, really, who wants to bring a child into a world like this? Having a child means you have so much to lose, so much at risk. It makes me uneasy. Could I actually let my heart be that vulnerable? Do I have the courage to spend years raising and protecting a child and then release her into a world that could eat her alive, even in the places she is supposed to be the safest? Do other people even think about this?

I was 23 when my nephew Chris was born. Somewhere between baby and young man, during trips to the children’s museum and swimming lessons and Fourth of July fireworks, I had a glimpse of something I wanted. Something that was worth the risks and vulnerabilities. I watched my husband run up and down the drive way, holding on to the seat of Chris’s bike, until Chris could finally pedal away on his own. I remembered my dad doing the same for my sisters and me. I had the distinct feeling that—for us, at that moment—this was one of the most important things we had ever done.

I almost lost my mother when I was 29. Suddenly I was afraid of everything. Bears. Cancer. Heights. Bridges. You name it. For years I felt vulnerable, struggling to accept that we have no control over anything. But there was something about caring for a parent and seeing my parents’ commitment to each other that taught me something profound and unexplainable about marriage and family. I don’t want it all to stop here. I want more. I want to pass it on.

And so, we left our destiny to nature, God, the Universe, whatever name you’d like to put on it, and at the end of August, we are expecting a child. It still seems weird to say. And a little abstract (other than the fact that I’ve felt like puking my guts out every day for the past three months). And the decision to get here very winding and indirect. And scary. And someday, just like our parents, we will have to quit running along behind this little one, and just let go...