The Early Bird

Born @ 27 weeks 5 days gestation
1 lb 15 oz, 12.9 inches long

Wow. Over 3 months have passed since we brought Wesley home from the hospital, and almost 6 months have passed since he was born. Most importantly, he is healthy and doing very well. Honestly, on most days, I feel like a shell-shocked zombie.

I don't mean to sound negative (and if you read all the way through, you'll see I'm talking about gratitude) but I am not going to sugar-coat parenthood as constant bliss, the way so many people do. I am going to be real and honest and up front. I knew going into this it was going to be hard. Turns out, I was in no way prepared for how hard it has been (premature rupture of the membranes at 27 weeks 5 days, emergency helicopter ride and c-section, baby in the NICU for 10 weeks, and all this even before we brought our baby home and began our sleepless nights...)

I feel like I am catapaulting through my days and nights at record speed, a whirlwind of working, expressing breast milk, caring for Wesley, going to doctor appointments, and stealing 1-2 hours of sleep when I can. As fast as this pace feels, parts of my heart and mind are still caught in the days just after Memorial Day, hanging in slow motion, in small spaces where I'm still trying to figure out exactly what hit us.


Going Home from the Hospital,
38 Weeks,
6 lb 1 oz

 After ten weeks in the hospital, Wesley came home two weeks before his due date. He weighed just over 6 pounds and he was so tiny in his car seat that we rolled up blankets and placed them around his head. I sat in the backseat with him and I have never been so nervous. It seemed like every little bump jarred him. I know he was nervous because he sucked vigorously on his pacifier the whole way home. When we got home he was wide-eyed for several hours. Our little baby had never known any world except the hospital, and all its alarms, and constant poking and prodding.

I recently saw a Facebook conversation in which some friends were discussing their kids, and one person said, “the nights are long but the years go by fast.” I know exactly what he meant. Fatigue and sleep deprivation have been the hallmark of our lives for six months now, with probably another two months to go before Wesley is even capable of sleeping a 4-6 hour stretch.

Every night when we’re up every few hours, I wonder, how long we can do this? People always say, “sleep when baby sleeps.” I just smile, but I want to say, will you come over and load my dishwasher and do my laundry, so I can sleep when baby sleeps?! Our lives seem chaotic. Some of our loved ones simply can't survive the shock. Our plants are dying. We've lost a starfish. Our cat died (she was 16 years old and in declining health for a while). We're constantly losing ground against the dirty dishes and laundry. I can tell that it will be years before my house is dusted or deep-cleaned in any fashion! Anything beyond the basics is simply unattainable right now. (And boy, did I yearn to make and can some apple butter this year...)



5 1/2 Months Actual,
13 Weeks Adjusted,
11 lb 15 oz

 Just when we start to make some progress with sleeping, or just when I start to feel like I am "getting it," everything changes. I felt like we were just out of the colic phase and starting to develop some longer sleep cycles, when suddenly baby Wesley is a drooling, fist-sucking mess. We feel a tooth coming in! I don’t think I’ve slept more than 2 hours in several weeks…and my bizarre dreams have returned. I dreamed that a cat named “The Struggle for Profound Thought” was perching on my neck at night, and that a co-worker was placing life-size, color cardboard figures of us around the building.

But every day Wesley does something new. It has been amazing to watch him transform from a tiny, sleepy, tube-fed noodle in an isolette to an active little baby who wants to interact with his environment. It’s like receiving a gift every day. He smiles responsively, laughs, holds his head up, kicks his legs in the air, grabs objects, and has started trying to roll on his side. He is strong and healthy. His vision exams have been normal (preemies are at risk for an eye condition called retinopathy of prematurity). He is strong-willed. And loud, opinioned, and fiesty at times! I guess this is the strength that got him so far. He weighed 1 pound 15 ounces at birth and almost 6 months later (adjusted age: 13 weeks) he weighs 11 pounds 15 ounces.

I meant to write during the 11 weeks I was home with Wesley, and yet, I didn’t often have a free hand, and when I did, I was too tired.

Born @ 27 weeks 5 days gestation,
7 weeks in the NICU,
3 weeks in a Special Care Nursery

I did manage to write a 1500-word essay called “Liquid Gold,” which I adapted from a previous blog entry called Pumping, Pumping, Pumping) and submitted it to Real Simple magazine’s “when did you first understand the meaning of love” essay contest. This essay is about milk! Breast milk, specifically. About my experience expressing breast milk around-the-clock for almost three months, for my tiny baby who was too weak to eat on his own.

(Protecting my milk supply, by the way, is the most important thing I have ever done. If today was my last day, this is the one thing that I would be the most proud of, the one thing I would never change, and I would do it all over again if I had to.)

I think I wrote most of the milk essay in my head, during many hours in the rocking chair nursing Wesley. Then I managed to type most of it one-handed. When Wesley was that little he needed to either be held or fed (or both) virtually all the time. After the essay deadline, fatigue from sleep deprivation set in, and Wesley's colic intensified and didn’t begin to subside until he was about 7 weeks adjusted age. During that time, everything in my life disappeared except for my daily walks with Wesley, and feeding, holding, soothing, and rocking.

I Just Love His Facial Expressions!


During this week of Thanksgiving, I am filled with gratitude. For me, being a parent is at once the best and the most difficult thing ever. Just when I think I don’t have the strength to continue, Wesley smiles or giggles and everything that I’m worried about just recedes into the background. Perspective. I have gained instant, clear perspective, even during complete chaos.

I always think of the phrase, "this too shall pass." Almost as quickly as a really bad day develops, a new, amazing day takes its place. I try to enjoy the present moment, whatever it may be. Just the other day, we were talking about how quickly 6 months have passed, and Chuck said, "To tell you the truth, I don't even remember how it was before we had Wesley." He couldn't have said it any better.

Collisions

http://www.flickr.com/photos/waferboard/

I have been putting off some of my writing because I haven't wanted to deal with some very extreme emotions that I’ve been experiencing over the past month.

The other day I was standing on the campus mall, waiting for a friend to pick me up for lunch, when BANG!!! I heard a loud crash behind me.

I turned around to see a pedestrian fall face forward, landing with a loud thud as his bare hands and knees kissed the concrete sidewalk. At the same time, a man on a bicycle plummeted head first into the grass and the bike went crashing on its side down the sidewalk.

It all happened so quickly. Two people going in the same direction collided. The pedestrian couldn’t see what was coming behind him. Perhaps he shifted into the path of the bike. What a shocking feeling, to be walking along, and then SLAM! Someone just nails you from behind.

As they exchanged cordial apologies, the biker put his hat and headphones back on. Sometimes we are so oblivious to what is going on around us. And we introduce so many distractions to our lives, on top of our already distracted minds that are constantly flowing with wants, needs, and to-do lists.

Recently I tried to help a friend who is going through a divorce. I was so shocked I didn’t see this divorce coming. Like the pedestrian-bicycle collision, it just hit me from behind with no warning. Why couldn’t I have seen how unhappy she was? Why didn’t I understand that her distance and isolation meant she needed help? It broke me to think of how long she had struggled and suffered alone, without help.

She was without clothes or basic possessions, so I went to her house to get a few things for her. It was a strange and sad and desperate feeling, trying to fill up one bag of items in the few minutes her husband would allow. What do you take? Surrounded by her pictures, clothes, jewelry, shoes, books, and various items, I quickly threw clothes and toiletries into the bag, as much as I could fit. Then I spied “A New Earth” by Eckhart Tolle on her dresser. Should I take it, I wondered. I grabbed it and shoved it into the bag. She will need this, I thought to myself.

I never fully realized how important that book was to me until this moment. Yes, I can see now, that in an extreme situation, I will choose to take Eckhart Tolle along with basic life necessities. When I was broken, this book opened me back up, just by helping me to change the way I think about things.

A few weeks later, I was talking to her on the phone, and she mentioned she was continuing the book, a little at a time. Yes, it’s that kind of book, I told her. You have to read little bits at a time and then give it all time to digest. She was dealing with her sadness, starting to make future plans and think about starting a new life of her own. The kind of life she had always wanted.

In the meantime, I worry about her safety, finances, legal issues, and more. I feel limited in what I can do for her because of my pregnancy…I’m not used to this. It frustrates me. I want to do more.

Sometimes, when I’m walking on the campus mall, I remember the collision. And I think of all the collisions that could happen. But my goal is not to fear all the collisions that could happen. Just focus on the moment. That’s what Eckhart taught me.

I blogged about two of my favorite Eckhart stories in a previous post, Ducks Crossing. Check it out.

The Fine Print

Please comment and/or "like" my essay - The Fine Print - on Open.Salon.com

If it gets enough interest, it might get published!

I published this previously on this blog, under the series Five Years Later, parts one through eight.

On the advice of my superb editor, Jill Costello of Costello Editorial Services, I revised this to be more of a personal essay than a piece of science writing.

I originally wrote this piece five years ago, and it has been interesting to see it evolve. In my opinion, it's the best it's ever been.

My Top Four Tips for Telling Your Own Stories

Tomorrow I am participating in a panel discussion for grandparents who are interested in writing about their experiences raising their grandchildren. We’re going to talk to them about some ideas for getting started with their writing. In doing some brainstorming, this is what I came up with. Here are my top four tips for anyone who wants to get started telling their own stories:

• Write everyday (journaling, blogging)
  I have journals at home that I use to write notes in as ideas come up. I also write in this blog, ideally 2-3 times per week. You need to write down your experiences and ideas as they occur, so you remember as much detail as possible and you can develop them further later on.
• Know your audience
  What publication are you writing for and who is the primary audience? I think the biggest mistake I’ve made with my writing is that I go entirely with my inspiration—I write full articles or essays first, and then I begin the process of looking for an appropriate publication. Half the time I end up discovering that there is no market for what I’ve written, or the piece has to be substantially re-written in order to match the needs and interests of the publication I’m pitching it to. In fact, I often end up creating various versions of the same story for different publications, much like you tweak a resume for different job applications.
• Read widely in your genre
  Are you going to write a magazine article or a personal essay? If so, become familiar with some of the publications that publish the type of writing you want to do. For example, here are a few publications that I know of that publish personal stories:

• The Sun http://www.thesunmagazine.org/
• Salon.com http://www.salon.com/
• Reader’s Digest: http://www.rd.com/submissions/article10717.html
• The Threepenny Review http://www.threepennyreview.com/index.html

And don’t forget your local publications! Sometimes a more manageable beginning goal is to write a short piece for a local magazine or newspaper…before tackling the overwhelming challenge of writing a whole book!

If you want to write a memoir, then you should read a lot of memoirs…and ideally you should know what kinds of memoirs have been published on your topic and which publishers would be interested in your topic. You will need to demonstrate an awareness of your market and how your memoir would be unique in the market, when you get to the point of writing a book proposal. Here is one publisher that is looking for personal stories from new, unpublished writers: http://www.americancarriagehousepublishing.com/submission.html

• Find/follow blogs that are related to your topic (e.g., http://www.grandparentingblog.com/ ). Also there are many blogs about writing. Marketing and selling your writing requires another entire skill set that many writers overlook! For example, you will need to write query letters to magazines to pitch your personal essays or articles. You would need to write a book proposal to pitch your memoir to a book publisher. Following writing blogs will help you develop all sorts of skills in these areas:

http://wmfreelancewritersconnection.com/
http://www.makealivingwriting.com/
http://aboutfreelancewriting.com/
http://vu.ksurf.net/calendar.html
http://www.freelancewriting.com/guidelines/pages/index.php
http://www.freelancewriting.com/magportal.php 

Finally, don't let rejections get you down. Be persistent.

Many of life’s failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up. — Thomas Edison

How To Beat Your Winter Funk

For weeks I’ve been completely unmotivated. It happens to me every January. The weeks of sub-zero temperatures wear me down. Eventually I find myself on the couch every night, watching way too much of my favorite programs, like TrueBlood or Dexter or Californication or whatever I can get my hands on.

I haven’t even cooked an actual dinner in weeks. I don’t feel like eating…nothing sounds good…I have no motivation to prepare anything. It is the time of year when I fall into my most unhealthy habits, and I feel like everything I love doing so much, like having a garden, canning/preserving food, cooking, eating healthy, exercising, is all so far out of reach.

How can I break out of this funk?

We all know the common things that we should be doing….exercise, get eight hours of sleep, eat vegetables, meditate, whatever. I know what I should be doing, I just don’t do it. It’s dark all the time. It’s cold. I’m always tired. And cold. I go home and put my pajamas on.

One night this week I did manage to pick up the book I’m reading, The Year of Magical Thinking, by Joan Didion (which, by the way, I am enjoying quite a bit…her story is about grief and hope and strength and reminds me of my experience with my mother and her stroke) instead of turning on the TV. I guess that is one step in the right direction.

How do you get out of your funk?

I’m reminded of a post this week on my friend’s blog, Fat Girl Fed Up, about setting goals. Maybe that is what I need to do. A weekly goal for blog posts. A weekly goal for reading. A weekly goal for the draft of my novel……I am going to start small so I don’t get overwhelmed, and then keep setting goals. Notice I am mixing business and pleasure for motivational purposes……..

Starter Goals:

• Make healthy Pumpkin muffins for our “breakfast theme” Superbowl party
• See a movie (I am REALLY intrigued by the preview for Sanctum)
• Finish KSurf Fiction Writing workshop assignments by 2/14. THIS IS REALLY IMPORTANT. This weekend, catch up on lessons
• Finish my office…l’ll post some pictures in an upcoming post…finishing my own personal writing space is related to my writing goals!
• Finish “The Year of Magical Thinking” by the end of February and start a new book
• Paint my bedroom by the end of February

Open

I haven’t been writing a lot lately because I’ve been busy working on my writing…I’ve been sending out a lot of query letters for articles I’ve already written and for article ideas that I have. I usually never hear anything back but I’ve been getting some amazing tips by following some freelance writing blogs: http://www.thewmfreelanceconnection.com/ and http://writetodone.com/ and http://www.makealivingwriting.com/

The result? I feel enriched. And inspired. I am feeling excited, rather than overwhelmed, about the possibilities. Based on these blogs, I’ve decided that I need to create an “author website” that shows some of my work and some testimonials from clients…and I’m going to start working on that right away…

And just as I’d been settling this in my mind, a good friend of mine from college messaged me and said she’s been doing some writing for http://madisonconsumer.com/ -- a great resource that offers money saving tips for people in the Madison, Wisconsin area -- and that she suggested me as a writer should they consider starting a similar resource in my area. Wow. The timing on all of that was incredible.

It reminds me of a line from The Alchemist:

"And, when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it."

— Paulo Coelho (The Alchemist)

(On that note, check out these inspiring quotes from The Alchemist. I also enjoyed A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle for its similar themes).

I’ve also enrolled in a fiction writing workshop at KSURF http://ksurf.net/ and I plan to do the memoir writing workshop next…I subscribed to a fiction writing newsletter, and here is the quote I got today:

"Even if what you're working on doesn't go anywhere, it will help you with the next thing you're doing. Make yourself available for something to happen. Give it a shot."

- Cormac McCarthy

I recently read The Road by Cormac McCarthy and I felt like this quote was speaking directly to me. Maybe this is a new way to think about all those articles I’m sitting on that no one apparently wants! I need to change my mindset, and keep working on things…keep myself open to the possibilities of the universe.

Silver Lining

The last few weeks have been such a whirlwind. I had a rejuvenating vacation with friends in Portland and Sacramento. Upon my return, I started a new job, which (so far) seems to be one of the best decisions I’ve made in a long time. I knew I needed a change, but I didn’t realize how badly I needed this change. I already feel so comfortable and welcome in this new role—everyone has been so supportive and appreciative. It was long overdue.

We celebrated C’s birthday last weekend with a beautiful canoe trip on the St. Croix River between Taylors Falls, Minnesota and Osceola, Wisconsin. On our way home we stumbled onto the most unique sculpture garden. However, our day trip had an unexpected ending. We stood in the ditch and laughed and appreciated the fact that our car died in the most opportune location: right when we got back home, within sight of the VW dealership, which meant it would get towed for free by AAA. You have to appreciate your blessings in every form. Find the silver lining as they say.



Yesterday I saw this: “A big shot is just a little shot that kept on shooting.” – Anonymous

I am trying to keep on shooting. Although I am happy about the changes with my new job, I’m a little down about a few other things. My mom has a bacterial infection in her toe which has been lingering—despite numerous treatments with oral antibiotics—for several months. Yesterday she was admitted to the hospital to begin IV antibiotics. I’ve now received two rejections on the most recent article I sent out to get published. I haven’t heard back from one place but I’m assuming I won’t at this point. The news about our car has gone from bad to worse. It sounds like it may cost more to fix it than the car is worth.

Sometimes it’s hard to understand why things happen. For example, why my mom should have to suffer any more than she already has. Five years ago she had a stroke that resulted in a craniotomy, loss of function in her left arm, weakness in her left leg,  vision problems, and more. When I start thinking this way I have to remind myself what I learned back then. Accept it for what it is…don’t question it or resist it and flounder in “why” and “what if’s” –this will only lead to more suffering.

One Way to Advocate for Equity

I am including this excerpt and link to my published article because I believe we should all advocate for fairness and equity, when given the opportunity to do so.

“Across Wisconsin, I see talented and tenacious women poised to lead this state’s economic growth—if only we clear obstacles from their path.”
—Lt. Governor Barbara Lawton

When Carol Accola became the manager of a University of Wisconsin-Eau Claire campus help desk and software training group, she quickly realized that her staff was mostly women who had worked five to ten years in the job classifi cation “limited term employees” or LTEs. These state employees earn low wages (a minimum of 20% less than permanent workers doing the same
jobs) with no vacation, sick time, personal or legal holidays, and sometimes no health insurance.

I experienced these inequitable conditions firsthand. In 2003, with four years of professional work experience and a master’s degree in progress, I became the coordinator for Accola’s software training program—an LTE position that had existed since 1995 and remained “limited term” for 12 years, until 2007...
http://people.uwec.edu/lehmanjc/Advocate_WIHE11-09.pdf

Father's Day Tribute

I absolutely love this father's day tribute. It's beautifully written, and inspiring. I've been looking for inspiring models for how to tell some stories about my own family.